A Reflection on a Reflection

I'm going to pull a Bo Burnham and do a little reaction of my reaction to Covid. I wrote that first post for my seminar class back in February as a one year reflection, and it was very gratifying to finally articulate the feelings that had been circulating in my head. But aware that my professor and classmates had access to my first written thoughts on the pandemic, I purposely left out a few details.

First, the way I wrote it sounds to me like my poor mental health stemmed from overworking myself in high school. Though I now admit that my plate was a little too full at the time, I was grasping at the few things left that genuinely made me happy. There were moments when I said "no" because I knew I had too much going on, but as those of you who knew me in high school know, I really was a part of "anything and everything".

In my Student Wellness Team post on Instagram from 2019 I said, "The combination of always going full speed ahead and school stresses mixed with a dash of home tensions and a hint of a growing sensitivity fused into a mindset that just kind of exploded... It also took a toll on my motivation, especially that closely connected with my art, which to this day still confuses me." This is more accurate but still less explicit than I'd like to be.

One of the most conflicting things for me to wrap my head around is the fact that my mental health was at its worst despite it being at a time when I was surrounded by what would become many of my core happy memories - the formation of lifelong friendships, the start of my photography career, writing not one but two plays, playing for and captaining a flag football team, all the while being overwhelmingly supported by those around me. Though I mostly understand why I struggled with poor mental health during that time (and at times still do), I have also been very aware of all the gifts life has given me and look back fondly on my high school experience. But it doesn't make it any less difficult to comprehend feeling such love and excitement while your brain is also thinking, "I hate myself. I don't want to exist anymore. I don't want to do this."

In some of the photos in this series you'll find that polaroids are floating in the milk bath around me. These are actual polaroids from some of the core happy memories I refer to - the night we won SING! for the first time, On Book Support Group, me lying on the grass full of serotonin after a double sleepover and two city adventures full of spontaneity. There were actually many more that I laminated and wanted to use, but the polaroids refused to cooperate with me that night [fun fact: this series was actually shot the night before I biked to Central Park (yes, the spontaneity was extra high at the time)].

Since graduating, I've wanted to create a mental health inspired photography series to document and convey my experience in the medium I tend to gravitate towards. Health and wellness are very important to me, especially as a Type 1 Diabetic and someone who has struggled with mental and overall health as well as self-image. Despite stating that quarantine has significantly helped my mental health, I did start therapy in Fall 2020. I think that quarantine itself slowed down time enough for me to catch my breath as well as some much needed zzz's in order to regroup. And therapy has been good. It probably could have been more helpful when I was "in the thick of it", but I've appreciated having a designated time and space to process my thoughts, feelings, and whatever other craziness life has thrown at me. I highly recommend therapy to anyone, regardless of where their mental health is currently at. At my very first appointment, my therapist told me that she views therapy as a gift given to oneself, and it really is.

All photos by Savannah Sclafani